I am enveloped in sadness. There are no words for the way I feel right now. At first I was in shock. I could not believe this had happened. My biggest fear of all, the only thing that is bigger then life, is death. I feel as though a piece of me is gone. Crumbled away into nothingness. Sucked into a black hole that I do not want to come out of. This is a feeling I have never before felt. Never in my life have I felt this kind of emptiness. Its like out of nowhere I am smiling and running through a field of daisies, basking in life itself and loving every moment that I have to live. And then BAM a hurricane strikes and everything is swept away. Everything needs to be regrown and rebuilt again. My heart hurts because I have lost a parent. Not my mom, or grandparents, or step dad who is the man I now call dad. But the man who raised me until I was 12 years old. Every single memory I have of living and growing up in Hawaii Involves him. He taught me how to tie my shoes, ride a bike, with and without training wheels, how to stir the spaghetti cooking on the stove, how to steer the big ole beater ford down country roads, how to comb my hair and brush my teeth. He took us fishing, he loved us like we were his own children. Even after he and my mom decided their relationship was not going to work out when I was seven years old. He remained in our lives. He was the father of our hearts and we were the children of his soul. I was daddy's little girl. I remember him letting me listen to his walkman that he later gave to me (I thought I was so cool) I would listen to nirvana and smashing pumpkins wearing my scrunchie and pink spandex with my backwards hat. There was this one song I always loved listening to, called Dream Weaver by Reo Speedwagon. Of course I didnt know the name of the song back then but I googled the lyrics years ago because I can still sing it in my head knowing every word. Chad was his name. We called him Papa when we were very young. He was with us from our first memories and first steps. As we got older we called him Dad. The bond we shared with him was like none other. He fathered us in a way that we loved and respected him. I always looked up to him, yet he would spend hours teaching us how to swim at sunrise on the beach. He would literally take us to the beach to watch the sunrise because he said "the best time to see the world, is when everyone else is sleeping." I remember it feeling like no one else was alive but us, like we had free reign of the beach and nothing in the world mattered. He was the only father figure we had ever known.
Love to you until we meet again. Preserve the righteousness. May God surround you.
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.