Thursday, September 23, 2010

God grant me the strength.

I am enveloped in sadness. There are no words for the way I feel right now. At first I was in shock. I could not believe this had happened. My biggest fear of all, the only thing that is bigger then life, is death. I feel as though a piece of me is gone. Crumbled away into nothingness. Sucked into a black hole that I do not want to come out of. This is a feeling I have never before felt. Never in my life have I felt this kind of emptiness. Its like out of nowhere I am smiling and running through a field of daisies, basking in life itself and loving every moment that I have to live. And then BAM a hurricane strikes and everything is swept away. Everything needs to be regrown and rebuilt again. My heart hurts because I have lost a parent. Not my mom, or grandparents, or step dad who is the man I now call dad. But the man who raised me until I was 12 years old. Every single memory I have of living and growing up in Hawaii Involves him. He taught me how to tie my shoes, ride a bike, with and without training wheels, how to stir the spaghetti cooking on the stove, how to steer the big ole beater ford down country roads, how to comb my hair and brush my teeth. He took us fishing, he loved us like we were his own children. Even after he and my mom decided their relationship was not going to work out when I was seven years old. He remained in our lives. He was the father of our hearts and we were the children of his soul. I was daddy's little girl. I remember him letting me listen to his walkman that he later gave to me (I thought I was so cool) I would listen to nirvana and smashing pumpkins wearing my scrunchie and pink spandex with my backwards hat. There was this one song I always loved listening to, called Dream Weaver by Reo Speedwagon. Of course I didnt know the name of the song back then but I googled the lyrics years ago because I can still sing it in my head knowing every word. Chad was his name. We called him Papa when we were very young. He was with us from our first memories and first steps. As we got older we called him Dad. The bond we shared with him was like none other. He fathered us in a way that we loved and respected him. I always looked up to him, yet he would spend hours teaching us how to swim at sunrise on the beach. He would literally take us to the beach to watch the sunrise because he said "the best time to see the world, is when everyone else is sleeping." I remember it feeling like no one else was alive but us, like we had free reign of the beach and nothing in the world mattered. He was the only father figure we had ever known.

When I was 12, we moved away from Hawaii. There he was at the airport, trying to be strong for his children were moving thousands of miles away and he had no idea when he would see them again. I remember it like it was yesterday. We kept in touch over the phone, through cards and letters in the mail. We went back to Hawaii to visit him. But over time, as this happens with everyone who lives so far apart. We talked less and less..... I remember the last time I talked on the phone with him. It was very sad, almost as if It was too painful for us to talk or keep in touch. He kept saying, "I dont want to intrude" my mom remarried and we called our step dad "dad". Trying to fill the void and emptiness of the family that we once had, yet knowing it would never be the same. Then came adolescence, a time in life where you dont know what is important yet, you dont know or care who to keep in touch with or talk to. The world is cruel and hormones are happening. People are supposed to call you, you aren't supposed to call them stage in life. Our family moved around a few times and changed phone numbers during that stage in life. And somewhere along the line he did the same. He moved away from Hawaii and the last time I heard, he was living in Florida. 

I googled him over the past 4 years multiple uncountable times. I wanted him to know how much I missed him, that I wanted to see him again and my brother and I spoke of him often. He never came up, he never had a facebook or a myspace, he was just a man with a heart of gold living life. He was such a great person, loved by so many, and very well known around the island. He met someone, remarried, and moved to Maryland. The last time I really REALLY searched and searched for him was when Matthew proposed to me. I wanted him to be there. I didnt want to hurt my step dad's feelings because he has been a dad to me for the past 10 years that he has been married to my mom. I love him dearly, but I wanted Chad to be the one to walk me down the Isle. I would not be the person I am today if he hadn't raised me. I had no luck, I could not find him. I just wish I could talk to him one last time..... my only inner peace is that he now knows how I feel, how my brother and I feel. I had not seen him in so many years, but I know that we always had each other in our hearts. Over time I began to be upset that he didnt try to find me, but maybe he did...... questions that will never be answered. I was so happy to hear one of my aunties from back on the island tell me that he spoke of us and asked about us ALL the time. And that he would light up when talking about us.

I am so thankful to have had him in my life. I love you papa. Rest in Peace, I know you are shining down on us. Thank you for being the father we never had. 

Ironically, I just mentioned in my last blog, before I found out about this...... that I suck at loss. I never really knew how much I sucked at loss until now. This is what it feels like to loose a parent? Like life just sucker punches you in the stomach and you cant breathe. Like you just want to curl up in darkness because life isn't the same anymore. 

This is the third person in my family I have lost in the past 6 months. I have never experienced the loss of a family member until March of this year. Kawela Jacob Kaluna. Kawela means "the heat" in hawaiian. Uncle Jake, the same age as me, grandpa was a ladies man to say the least. I wrote a blog about this shortly after it happened. Shot and killed in Portland Oregon...... 21 years old. RIP Jakey love you so much, you are missed. The second, A very close family friend we all call TuTu, our sort of adopted family back in Oregon. The Kuamo'os are very loved and very much so family to us. Tutu means Grandma in Hawaiian. She passed away about two weeks ago of cancer. She was in her 80's, she lived a long happy life. She was a mother and grandmother to many of us. Rest in peace TuTu, I love you I know you are strumming your ukulele and drinking your beer up there. And now Chad the father of my heart. The man who raised my brother and I. A heart of gold, and even tho he was white, he was as Hawaiian as they come. 37 years old, motorcycle accident. The sharp knife of a short life..... I love you. I will see you all soon, weather it be in another life, or up there somewhere.

"Aloha a hui hou. Malama pono. Te Akua pu."

Love to you until we meet again. Preserve the righteousness. May God surround you.
With that I say this, love everyone who surrounds you. Open your heart and forgive those who have done you wrong. Because nothing they do to you can possibly be worse then loosing them to death before making amends. Say what needs to be said, let it all out, and forgive in your heart. Yesterday my entire world came crashing down upon me. At the end of the day I had to remember that I still have a life to live, I have no idea how long or short it may be, and neither does anyone around me. I need to make a point to tell everyone how much I cherish having them in my life, so that I never have to say, "its too late" again. 

To all my friends, family, loved ones, acquaintances, I appreciate you. Every single one of you, every person I have met in my life, every person reading this now, I appreciate you. That may sound ridiculous but at one point or another, no matter how big or how small, negative or positive, you have made some sort of impact on my life. If you were mean, weather you were honest or not, you made me want to be a better person. You either made me realize something about myself or you made me realize how important it is to be nice to people. To smile every day. My boss always says, "A smile can change someones entire day." Its true. When I get a genuine smile from a complete stranger my world lights up. Smiles can go for miles is what they say, pay it forward. If you smiled at me I appreciate you. If you were there for me in a time of need, if you were simply someone to talk to for no apparent reason, thank you. I appreciate you. 

From these experiences, from this complete sadness I am striving to keep my head above water. All I could think was "theres nothing I can do, theres nothing I can do" I have to be proactive instead of reactive. If I let myself drown in my complete and utter sense of loss I will not survive it. The only thing I can do now, is to truly live life to its full potential, to let everyone in, and out of my life know how much they mean to me, or used to mean to me. I need to stop thinking and obsessing about the fact that this feeling will be back someday. It is inevitable. I need to be a better person, I need to have a bigger heart and make sure it is filled with love and not hate, or resentment, or regret. I need to be held. Thank you husband for holding me and telling me it will all be alright. 

Two people have significantly come to mind when I began to think about all the wonderful people I have been blessed to know in my lifetime. Two people that at one point were key players, that despite our differences we laughed and lived and drank and cried and laughed some more. I am not sure how we three came to not speaking at all. I realize I am at fault for my actions and/or lack of forgiveness. I realize that I am who I am because we shared SO much time together in the past. The only two people that I am not in contact with anymore that need to know that I love them, that I love the times we shared together, that I would be extremely distraught, and heartbroken if I found out something happened to you when we are on terms like these. I have been wanting to reach out for awhile but I had too much pride to contact you first. I felt I was unwanted and uncared for. None of that matters now, because my point is, I want you to know that regardless of how I acted, or felt, or what you did or what I did in the past, I value your friendship, and I hope so much that you both live long, happy healthy lives. I have no hatred in my heart for either of you. And I hope that we can someday settle our differences because there is more to life then holding grudges and resentment within. Alexis and Roxi, I love you.
Alexis, if you're reading. There was a time when I felt you were the only person on the face of earth that understood me. We shared and we knew each others deepest secrets. You were there for me weather you wanted to be or not. We fought, man we fought like real siblings would sometimes. Harsh words that we knew neither of us meant. All of the above. You became a part of my life that was irreplaceable. I always looked up to you for your strength and ambition, you have a good heart and you are a very old and dear friend of mine. I am sorry that it took tragedy for me to say this to you, but I never want to say "its too late." You are loved.

Roxi, if you're reading. Throughout high school you were always the careful one. The one who mothered me in a way, I always made fun of you and rolled my eyes but I loved how much you looked after everyone around you. I remember you wrote on my shirt at all night grad, when I was hanging out with the wrong people "Please be careful, I love you sister -Rox" You were always there to help others around you. Head on straight, good grades, shit together, and a good person and friend. You were a bridesmaid in my wedding because I cherished the friendship we shared, I knew I could rely on you and my wedding day would not have been the same without you. I was mad for the wrong reasons, what happened in the past is completely irrelevant. I apologize for the things I said to you, and about you. That was ugly of me and I am taking full responsibility. I am sorry that it took tragedy for me to say this to you, but I never want to say "its too late." You are loved. 

It may be cowardice of me to say these words on here instead of in a message to you, however, I fear because of our current terms of communication these words would not be made possible. I fear I would not have the chance to say what I need to say to you. You know I would say them to you in person if I could, but I am across the country, and I will say them if/when I get the chance. I would hug each of you. At least this way, what I want to say has been said, and if you choose to listen, these words are here for you to read. Forever. Because it was never too late.
To those of you out there who were not as close to me, or were at one point in time a friend of mine, I forgive you, I appreciate our friendship we shared in one way or another. Reach out to me if you feel you want or need to and I will do the same. May you live a long, happy, healthy life. 
In my last blog, Ironically two days ago, I said that if someone isn't in your life, its for a reason. I take that back. I know you cant undo things that you have said but I can say I feel differently about life and those around me now. After not only loosing one person but the build up of loosing three people who had an impact on my life. The build up of emotions and sadness. I cannot keep up with maintaining these emotions if it just keeps happening. I begin to look around in fear and ask myself if I told this person and that person that I like it when they are around. That they make me smile. I would like to rephrase, If someone isn't in your life anymore, forgive them.

In a perfect world, earth would be much larger, we would have unlimited resources, everyone would recycle, and nobody would ever be lost. I never want to loose another person again. Unfortunately I have to deal with the fact that reality always prevails and at one time or another we will all be gone. Yesterday's problems will all be forgotten. And the memory of us will live on through those who have known us and shared our lives with us. 

Right now my heart feels torn, the cloud over my head is dark and weighing me down. This sadness is the most horrible feeling. But I know I will live, and I will carry on the memory of those who are no longer with us. We will meet again in another life.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
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1 comment:

  1. Victoria, I'm so sorry about your loss. I'm glad you have such good memories to have with you to remember your dad.
    Have you heard of Danny Gokey's I Will Not Say Goodbye? Good song & really comforting too.