Sunday, September 26, 2010

My name is Earl

Has anyone seen the show "My name is Earl?" 
well its a show about a man that makes a list of people throughout his life that he feels he has done wrong to in some way shape or form. He goes through the list, hunting down those people and doing something nice for them and asking for forgiveness. I love that and I wish I could do it too. I guess I COULD but I would have to devote my life to it and that's not exactly possible ha. What I can do is make an effort, the next time I run into or get in contact with anyone whom I have done wrong, to apologize and make amends. I want to come out of this depression after loosing 3 loved ones in 6 months, having learned something. I want to come out of this a better person. There are people in the world, that probably say they "hate" me. We all have people who probably say they "hate" us. Hate is a strong word. But how many of those people who supposedly hate us, would cry a tear, even just one, or have one sad moment if they found out we were dead. I look at the world differently now. From an entirely different perspective. I dont want to hold petty grudges or live life with negative thoughts about other people running through my mind. Because chances are, if someone who used to be a friend, made me mad enough to hold a grudge against them, Chances are, the grudge is there because you expected more from that person. Chances are, you care about them as a person or simply a friend. And if they passed away tomorrow, you would probably have a sad moment that he/she left this world on bad terms with you. Those are my thoughts. 

I am by no means going to be perfect. As that is impossible. I still have a short temper and am a very passionate and opinionated person, however I am making a promise to myself, and to those I have lost, that I will be a better person. I want to make more positive then negative impacts on the world and on my friendships/relationships.
Basically, I have learned the value of friendship, the value of life, and I will no longer take that for granted anymore. Theres nothing better then to hear the words "I appreciate you" for no apparent reason someone in your life tells you these words and its an automatic smile breaker.  Its sad that our society is so fucked up that people say more mean things about others then they do nice things. I literally fear the words "its too late." I never. ever. want it to be "too late" again. 

The next time I start to feel resentment or anger towards someone enough to stop speaking to them, I am going to tell myself "If I was never going to see them again, if something were to happen to them, what would I want to say" Imagine if before someone passed you got the opportunity to have your last words with them. Wow...... where to start. But why does it have to be their last words for you to tell them how you feel? I dont believe it has to be that way. So I refuse to live my life like that. When I appreciate someone I intend to tell them :)

Today was kind of a mundane day for me. I went to work. It was slammed, my job is generally a happy place where we are always smiling and joking, modeling clothes for each other and such. Having fun is a must. It was a normal kind of day at work but I still feel like a giant rain cloud is over my head all the time. The minute I walked in the door when I got off, I burst into tears. 

Here I sit, looking at hundreds of pictures and memories of my time with my dad. Eating my favorite candy (Everlasting Gobstoppers) Ironically they aren't everlasting just like everything else on earth but they are still enjoyable while they last. Listening to the sound of the rain. It sounds like the inside of my heart feels. A million gallons of tears pouring down........

I miss you dad. I love you so much.

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