Thursday, May 27, 2010

This world is my canvas

So.... Yesterday was my very first "professional" photo shoot! And I have to say, I rocked it! A big thank you to the Marhenke family (minus one who was out in the field) for being such wonderful photogenic models! Gosh It was so much fun. Here are a couple shots. 

I Just love them :) I think they are absolutely beautiful! I am officially booking clients as of next week! Ill be the cheapest photographer for quality of work around. And I offer Military discounts for any and all military families. And youll get a free CD with any shoot! This is going to be so much fun! Gahh. Ive always loved photography but I was never confident enough and I didnt have a nice camera so I have been procrastinating on this but I am so happy that Ill be able to help my husband out with bills and that Ill actually be doing something I love. I cant wait to start my own business! Ahh!This is so very exciting. I need to find a unique name for my business that sets me apart from other photographers, a name that will make people want to call me. We are going to make business cards and my husband is so excited to get one of those advertisement magnets for his truck lol He is so supportive and proud of me I <3 him! I was thinking about calling it "Island Girl Photography" I like the spin on it. And the logo could be so sweet with that name. Also my little studio could be all hawaii theme. I would so NOT be a poser being from hawaii either aha. 

Anyway, Project 365 is doing better then ever and I have to share day Fifteen becuase it is by far my favorite. It is also from the photo shoot. 

This one is called, Espresso Yourself :)

Seriously this is awesome I love it so much! It is so appropriate because brittany LOVES coffee. she cant live without it. <3 

I am so happy and so looking forward to my new business starting up. My mom is so proud too shes so cute she says

"i am eagerly awaiting your home coming so that you may teach me how to use my camera :) lol every project u take on since u were a little girl turns to gold. u got the midas touch, girl. love mom. ♥"

The more I think about it the more I realize it is true, I actually haven't pursued a project and failed it. I give her all the credit tho for being amazing and supportive in anything and everything I have ever done. I love you mom. 

Anywho, Were going to California today whooO! LONG flight but I am so excited. Flying into San Jose, gonna party in San Fransisco. I cant wait to see China Town! So Look forward to more wonderful awesome pictures next week. This world is my canvas. (speaking of canvas, I just got a paint set randomly as a gift in the mail :) Someone literally said "I love looking at your pictures, it is my inspiration, so I think you should try on oil painting for size" I was like WOAH thank you so much! and I got everything I need including 6 canvases! whoo!

Have a wonderful weekend!

"California here we come, right back where we started from, californiaaaaaaa"


Wednesday, May 26, 2010


First of all I want to say thanks to my new followers who choose to follow me publicly ahah and secondly, Woah, alot of views I never knew about until I put that counter on there. NOt gonna lie I feel popular aha. Ok so I have two confessions to make. 1 = I love Justin Bieber. Aahaha hes amazing. I dont care what Anyone says about him, the boy can sing. Hes got pipes like no other. He can play piano, guitar, and the sax. He writes his own music unlike 90% of artists in the pop industry. And he came from below the poverty line and had NO relatives in the music biz unlike so many young artists such as Taylor & Miley. aha so thats one, 2 = Im a huge nerd. I really am very nerdy. Very tech savvy and a total dork down to my roots. I enjoy doing the robot every chance I get (especially in public) and I randomly break out into song several times a day. I wear glasses & before I was pretty I was one ugly duckling. Im talkin glasses long Mona Lisa style hair, read every harry potter book, the whole shabang. So dont be fooled. My name is Victoria and I am a dork. (dorks anonymous) Im really more of a closet dork tho people dont think it when they see me. lol woah enough about that.

Moving on. My new followers (ps.i love you) just make me wanna dance.... and post more blogs. So, today my friend brittany and I, along with her 1 and 3 year old babies decided to go adventuring in downtown Fayetteville to shoot some pictures and explore. We got about two big blocks away from the car and it literally starts POURING rain. Ahha mind you she is pregnant and I have one child by the hand and shes pushing a stroller. We get caught on the street corner waiting for the Walk Signal to happen during rush our. lol. We stood there in a down pour laughing our asses off, all four of us (five if you count baby rex brewing in the belly) and everyone driving by is looking at us like 1. these people are crazy 2. I feel really bad for them, or 3. laughing with us as they drive by. It was so much fun. Theres nothing like getting caught in a spontaneous warm rainstorm with two kids and a prego lady lemme tell you. We finally crossed the street and started running to the car, I was laughing so hard i could barely breathe, partly because theres a prego lady waddle running in front of me, partly because we were literally soaking wet like we jumped in a lake, and partly because it was just plain funny. Then we get to the car and try to load the kids up in their carseats and the damn stroller wont collapse ahah! it was a sight to see I swear. Something Ill never forget tho. And way too much fun.

So the adventure wasnt a complete failure because it was funny as shit and im positive we brightened the day of everyone who saw us in this excapade, and because I got two sweet pictures from today including Day Fourteen of 365. Enjoy :)

Every day in the 365 series I post a quote along with the picture. (in case you were wondering)

"Mommies of little boys work from son up to son down"

love that one <3 Anywho, to those secretive anonymous followers that I busted in the last blog, reveal yourselves and comment me so I can follow you :) Its only creepy if the other person doesnt creep on you too haha. Off to snuggle. God knows I LOVE to snuggle. I feel like the little girl on Finding Nemo sometimes, the one who Snuggles the gold fish because she loves it so much and kills it ahaha. Im a freak. I WILL over snuggle your ass. oh ya PS. me and britt watched the first episode of season one of Army Wives today. I have to say, Im hooked already ahaha! My husband rolls his eyes at me but it has been statistically proven to lower the stress levels of women who have husbands that are deployed overseas. So HA. Thats all I have to say about that. 

5 more seasons to go. woooo! K bye.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


Alright people, you are all busted. ahah kidding. So yesterday I redesigned my blog as you can see. I love it and I did it myself :) I just cant believe that people pay to get their blogs designed. Maybe cause they cant figure it out themselves but seriously woah. Maybe I should design blogs and make some money lol. I cant imagine the blog designing business being a good living tho ahha. But anyway I posted on the bottom left column a "view counter" and I have 139 views in a day and a half which is interesting since I only have 8 public followers. Weirdd.... so everyone who is reading this is SO busted I have found you out! Im kidding Im glad you guys read :) it gives me a better reason to post now. So now that I know this information I need more picture ideas for 365 Im running low! help me out people.

Okay, I havent blogged about music in a while because I have been so into photography. BUT I have some AWESOME WONDERFUL AMAZING NEWS Check out my standings on,

WHoo! Im so thankful for everyone who has been actively voting! Keep it up :) If I win the Lilith Fair competition I get to open for Colbie Callait, Norah Jones, Sheryl Crow and many more amazing female artists in Portland Oregon! Fingers Crossed! Now that I am in the top twenty, A panel of judges including Sarah McLaughlin chooses one artist to play at Lilith as well as $2,000. If I win first place in the acoustic channel I get $100 cash and then I get entered into the Channels competition where all the number one channel winners compete for first place and an additional $5,000! So my odds are definitely good thanks to all my dedicated fans! I love you all. For anyone who hasnt voted check out my music websites on the left panel.

Other than that Im still waiting for this LONGGGGG process with MTV. My music is already copyrighted, registered, and licensed with them so I am still waiting patiently for someone to call me and tell me which show it will be on. ITS KILLING ME! ugh... shoot me now. I cannot WAIT any longer :)

Okay now for you photo lovers day thirteen is here.

I really like this picture, the reflections and the lipstick mark. What I REALLY wanted to do was use bright red lipstick but since bright red lipstick is clearly an outdated fashion and really makes my already big lips look even bigger, I dont have any. So I settled for nude/pink tint lip gloss and I think it turned out alright. Speaking of nude lipstick gosh i really dont like it. I dont think it looks good on anyone lol why do people like that? Also, another fashion mishap that I HATE, I honestly hate when brunettes go blonde. Nobody looks better blonde. Its a fact. Well according to a Hollywood E special and according to my opinion anyways haha :) Hugh hefener really fucks over all those playboy bunnies with his preference for platinum blonde hair. Come on people..... haha Alright that was my random rant for the day.


Monday, May 24, 2010


Made a new signature :) just testing it out.

Sweet Blog

Its Mondayyyy..... We had SO MUCH fun this weekend! Friday night we stayed in and snuggled and watched movies. Love nights like that :) Earlier in the day Brittany being the wonderful friend she is came over and her and I went out and got Sushi (My ultimate fave) and Hibatchi for us and matthew and the kids for dinner yummm. Saturday we had our neighbors Chris and Amy whom I absolutely love, and some other girls come over for drinks! We went out to the club and danced the night away. Discovered a New drink called a "Mind Eraser" had one too many of those and now I know why they are called mind erasers haha. While we were at the bar some guy came up behind me and rubbed my shoulders so I flipped out on him and told him not to touch me! Matt came up to him and said you better buy us a drink NOW lol. The guy ran off. Then when we were leaving the bar he proceeded to walk up to the car we were in and talk shit to me. I rolled down the window and the guy says "you arent married you liar! Who are you going home with tonight?" I showed him my husband who was sitting in the back seat with me, and I showed him my ring. He for some reason didnt believe me still ahah and said "wheres your wedding band" after I JUST showed him my ring. By then he was standing RIGHT next to the car so I said "Right here" and Gave him a NICE right hook to the face. ahahha. He rubber necked it and the driver heard the punch and at the exact right moment stomped on the gas and we were gone. I guess it was a good punch cause everyone in the car heard my fist hitting his face lol and my knuckles were bruised the next day. Maybe he shouldn't put his dirty hands on me and try to talk me into going home with him bahahha! So that was the highlight of my weekend.

Other than that I got some good pictures :) Day Ten

Matthew and I discovered that there are railroad tracks within walking distance of our house. I absolutely love the sound of the trains going by at night when I am in bed. So we decided to Get some beer and sit down by the railroad tracks and go "Penny Squishing" for our first time ever and wait for the train to come. It was so romantic and fun :) The train came and the conductor honked for us when we gave him the signal that you would usually give passing Semi trucks. We walked down the tracks about a mile and went exploring too. I loved it. Now Im trying to think of some other things I can squish on the railroad haha.

Day Eleven

I really like this picture :) I have never seen a flower like this before but its HUGE. Matthew picked it for me and its the biggest flower anyone has ever given me haha. It smells really good. The title of this picture is Squiggly flower. Does anyone know what kind of flower this is anyway?

Day Twelve

My one and only baby :) Koa which means "The Brave One" in Hawaiian. He is so adorable. SUCH a good dog. I Wish I could figure out how to upload videos on here because I have the cutest video of him doing all his tricks. Sit, speak, shake, roll over, and play dead. Hes so smart! ahh i love him.

So that is me catching up in the blog world. ALSO I received my first blogger award! The "Sweet Blog" award :) 

From Trisha @ Pretty Pink Pearl 
Shes super sweet and her blog is so cool too :)
I had no idea that she loved my blog haha. 
She likes my music and is hooked on my
365 project. Follow her!

I guess I am supposed to pass this award on as well so I would like to pass it on to 

Her blog is sweet hence the sweet blog award lol
she always posts sweet pictures and I especially like the note she left for her husband as a hint to what to get for her for her birthday hehe. 

and my good friend Brittany @ To Give them beauty for ashes
She wrote a couple blogs that are to her children and I LOVE the idea I think its so cute! That way some day they can read them if they want. 

So those are the only sweet bloggers that I know that post blogs regularly. I would give one to trisha but she already gave me one haha. 

Everyone has sweet blog names but I just stuck with "Victoria's Blog" ahah reallll original.... oh well :) 

I found another photo client this weekend too! Woooo! My business will be up and running in no time. yay! I KNOW I will take great pictures and the thought that the pictures that I take will be in their lives for years to come is so amazing. I love that I will be able to capture moments and give them to people who will cherish them forever. 

Anyway.... Hubby should be home soon. 

A Hui Hou! (Until we meet agian in hawaiian)

Friday, May 21, 2010

Trailer Park Princess

Day Nine

I love day nine :) titled "Love soup" has definitely cured me :) well kinda but not really. still feeling sick but finally feeling more so better than worse. "A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom.” is the quote to go with that. I like it too. 

Thursday Things came after Wardrobe Wednesday in mine and Ashley's "days of the week" project. And so I decided to make it Things I never leave the house without. Purse, keys, cellphone, camera, and sunglasses. I like it! i feel accomplished. Speaking of accomplishments,

Today I realized that I managed to turn 21 without getting an MIP after being in college AND partying in more bars in more states than I can count lol.... wow I am counting that as an accomplishment. <3 seriously.... 

Other than that, another good day :) Oh and I finally joined the FRG today. wooo! go SF Wives! We shall see how that pans out. Alot of them are really sweet and loved my singing when I played music in front of the ENTIRE SF community on a marriage retreat. It was fun I need to get in touch with some more army wives around here and get my photography business up and running. On a random note I definately ordered Army Wives Season 1 on Netflix and my husband was pissed when he got home and found out ahaha he was only mad because he was expecting to get a movie but I sneaked it into our que. NOT making him watch it with me but def watching it while hes at work hehe. I better send that back soon tho. I think ill do some yoga when I wake up. I have been thinking about how nice it is to have a warm drink in the morning such as coffee to wake up to but I really am not a coffee drinker. Actually neither is my husband we dont even own a coffee pot. I think I just like the idea of it haha. Ive been drinking alot of tea lately thats nice in the morning :) 

oh yeah quote of the week. so I was standing by the pantry trying to stare into it and make something delicious to eat appear. While I was standing there I had one foot up on top of a 12 pack of beer, just resting there for no reason. And one of my hands resting down the front of my pants (not touching myself lol) just resting in the waist band of my pj's and my husband comes around the corner and says "Hunny, you dont have to act like you live in a trailer anymore" ahahahah hilarious that was a good laugh. Story behind it is I actually grew up in a trailer park good ole "high pines camp ground" in a single wide. Lived there loud and proud for 7 years. (and im not kidding about the loud part) There was an ongoing joke that I was a "trailer park princess" in my family because I was nominated princess for school dances on several occasions (prom, winterball etc) ahah ohhhh the memories. gotta love it lol. Hes told me before that when I get famous ill be right up there with Kid rock bahaha. Hey it could happen. Hilary Swank is from a trailer park too. I wonder if she lived in a single wide or if she had one of those fancy double wides with the toilet flower pot in the front yard right next to the flamingos. Welp you know what they say, you can take the girl out of the trailer park but you cant take the trailer park out of the girl ;)

anywho, off to bed its snuggle time. my favorite time <3 

ps. to the bloggers that I follow, you need to post more blogs. :) Entertain me will you? oh ya and add my flickr too :).

Good night world.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Photo adventures

Alright blog world, its been a couple days. So much to share so many new pictures! Loving life! I tried to pick up my guitar and jam today but my face is stuffed up and feels like there is an elephant sitting on it so I definitely sounded like a muppet when I sang. So I decided to go on some photo adventures. I always take my puppy koa with me he loves our adventures :) Anyway here are days seven and eight!

This froggie is small enough to fit on a penny! how cool is that? hes so cute and I LOVE the water droplets in this. absolutely adorable.

Day eight is a little more fun and different. I realized i havent done a self portrait yet in the 365 series so here goes it

haha! I like this pic. Its so me. On facebook and flickr I have been putting down a quote i like for each day. Today's is by far my favorite

“Why is it that men can be bastards and women must wear pearls and smile?”

Lynn Hecht Schafren

too funny.... I LOVE exploring peoples photography on flickr

and the last thing i would like to share before I head to snuggle land in my big huge comfy bed with my wonderful darling husband is my houswife pictures i took today :) Inspired by wardrobe wednesday.

Photo adventures were a success today, jamming, not so much thank to this gunk i cant seem to kick.

anyway.... thats all for now :)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


This is a test post from flickr, a fancy photo sharing thing.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day Six.... Bliss

Day six photo :) This is my therapy. this is where I relieve my stress. Here is a few more pictures I took with the day six photo

Ahh just looking at these pictures instantly relaxes me :)..... and last but not least my sweet Emiree Jo being adorable as ever
I am loving photography more and more every day! Ahh i need to learn to balance photography and music equally so I dont become a jack of all trades but a master of none.

Today is a rainy relaxing day and I am loving it <3

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Day Five

Day five :) I love this one.... I had a very productive day, spotless cleaned the house, took some awesome pictures. and baked some wonderful banana bread from scratch. First try and a total success. yummy!

Good night world, off to watch a movie & snuggle up on the couch during the thunder storm. Life is amazing isn't it?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

In sickness and In health; Day four.

In sickness and in heath :) I thought this picture would be appropriate for today..... I wanted to experiment with close ups on my awesome camera. I have to say, its only day four and Im getting worried about running out of ideas. The cool thing is, whenever I am sick I start to feel depressed because I cant jam on my guitar and sing a song, unless I want to sound like a crack head (no offense to Macy Gray or Amy Winehouse they definitely rock the crack head voice. its just not for me) but now that I have this new hobby that is rooting itself a new passion within me day by day, I have something else to do :). Im loving it. Im going to do a practice photo shoot of one of my dearest friends Brittany and her beautiful family here soon. I cant wait to let my talent and creativity go wild and give her photographs that she will cherish for the rest of her life :) hopefully I will be comfortable enough to start my own little tiny business in photography and make some extra money too. We shall see.


I hate being sick :( Ive been sick all week. But my husband knows just what to do to make me feel better :) I asked him for juice He came home with this......

My favorite is the care bear card :) gosh hes so sweet. Im not gonna like I cried a little when I opened it. How did I get so lucky?????

Anyways, I dont know who reads this blog but I need some help from whoever is out there. I designed a shirt for the lilith fair! Help me get it printed!

Follow the Link and click 5! Help me get this shirt I designed printed for the lilith fair :)

I am also still competing to play in the lilith fair in Portland OR this summer! I am currently number three so keep voting :) :)

Thats all.....

Friday, May 14, 2010


Day Three.

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."

Mahatma Gandhi

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Gentle Heart

A few blogs ago, I was talking about my husband and how he always tells me that he thinks I have the biggest heart of anyone he has ever met because I am constantly trying to make the world a better place. I sometimes feel I have the weight of the world on my shoulders because there is nothing I can do for the people who are victimized and the children who are traumatized...... Today while I was working on Day two of Project 365 all I could think about was how amazing my husband is and how supportive he is of my dreams and ambitions. He is there for me through thick and thin, there is nothing in the world that he doesn't know about me, or me about him. We don't believe in secrets. (not that I could keep one anyway) but I have been through some extremely difficult times in my life, but no matter what, hes always seems to "fix" me when Im feeling down. Our bond is so strong for many reasons. One being we were together for a little over a year before we actually had the opportunity and convenience of living together and seeing each other every day or on a regular basis for that matter. That made us truly appreciate the little things and I try my best not to take ANYTHING for granted. One other really big reason is, when I was younger, in high school and my freshman year of college before he and I met, I always felt like boys were chasing me. In every relationship I felt as if they felt stronger about me than I did about them. Not to sound self centered by any means but I always felt I was being chased around until I would settle and hang out with one for a while. I had no Idea what loyalty, or trust meant as far as relationships went because I simply didn't care. I did what I wanted and I got away with it. Sad I know, and later I apologized to those boys who I casted aside when they cared so much about me. But when I met Matthew, He and I clicked. And I mean CLICKED. From our very first kiss we were inseparable. Within a week of the kiss I had already flown across the country from Oregon to North Carolina to spend 10 days with "the man of my dreams" after knowing him for a short 3 days he bought my ticket. The only thing I knew about him was that I was CRAZY about him. I didn't know anything about his personal life, his career, is financial stability at such a young age, (I mention that because people have said behind my back that I only married him for money. ha. Jealousy is an ugly thing) I didn't know his middle name, but I knew that I was making the right choice. I had to lie to my parents because they would have held me prisoner had they known I fell in love with a complete stranger. I believe in soul mates and I believe in love at first sight. I believe that everything I have been through in my life has made me who I am today. And that my heart is gentle no matter how big or how small, If my worst enemy came to me tomorrow and said "i need help" I would welcome them with open arms and do what I could to help them become a better person and live a better life. So today I share my work of art, Day Two "Gentle Heart"

This picture symbolizes my husband. No matter where my tears fall, hes always there to sew me back together.

  "A gentle heart is tied with an easy thread.” George Herbert

I am very proud of this picture, it makes my heart smile :) Because it symbolizes exactly how I feel. My husband is not perfect by any means, and neither am i. However I truly feel that we are perfect for each other. There is nothing in the world that can change that. And no one can tell me any different. You cant fake a love like this and it makes me so very happy to see other people that share the same love that we do.  This is my life, this is my legacy, and I am grateful every step of the way. The end.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Project 365

So..... I had theee BEST birthday ever :) thanks to my wonderful husband as usual. :) it was perfect. we rented a helium tank and blew up like 200 balloons and had the strings hanging from the ceiling. We served YUMMY tacos with home made pico de gallo mmmm so good. I ATTEMPTED baking a guitar cake but didnt turn out so well but we used it anyway ahah..... there were cute little babies running around every where. koa had a couple of buddies over and they were having a ball outside. we had moustaches and sombraros it was a good time :) then the kids left and the party got crazy! woke up the next day (afternoon) and found a pinata helmet, an empty gallon of grey goose, a pineapple with a moustache, and my phone in the driveway. beautiful.

the 21 gifts just kept getting better and better. The first one was a guitar which I am obsessed with. And the last was this camera :) Canon Rebel Tli 500d..... came with a telephoto lense, extra battery pack, and tripod along with everything I need to be a pro. and photoshop.

I have always been into photography I took some photography classes throughout high school but as of may 5th am taking my creativity to the next level. Over these past couple of days I have been taking tons of pictures and I have noticed that my photography and my music inspire eachother! its amazing. I took this picture of my favorite necklace

I wrote the picture caption as "fly away with me" and I started writing a song inspired by the picture. The little things inspire me. Today I started Project 365 :) for those of you who dont know, the project is to take and edit one picture a day for one year and add it to the series. I added the steam to the picture in photo shop :) and wah lah! beautifulllll.

Anyway, Im pretty excited about this project, I have so many ideas but Im trying not to use all of them in one day. Im sure It will get more difficult as the year goes on but its going to be fun to see my progress.

I have so much to look forward to and so much to be happy about :D life is good.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Sleeping Babies

Tonight I am feeling restless. My big 21 is only 3 short days away. This year has gone by so fast and lately I just cant seem to keep my mind from racing a million miles an hour. Last night I was sitting on my living room floor and not five minutes later I found myself in tears. It felt like a ton of bricks just hit me because I sat and thought for five minutes about everything that was on my mind. I thought about everything at once and bam there I was feeling emotions that I had been speeding by day after day. My husband took me into his arms while my mind was still racing. I was panicking because I felt as though I needed to solve every problem all at once, right then, right there from where I sat on the living room floor. When I say I was thinking about solving everything I meant EVERYTHING. My husband held me for a little while and let me get my cry out. As my mind raced and my thoughts piled up I couldn't even think straight and he said one word "Stop". It was like a snap of his fingers and the world stopped spinning, there were no problems, there was no debt, or death, or sadness, or anything. There was nothing. He said "stop thinking, stop talking, just let there be us" I pictured the earth literally stop spinning, I pictured everyone and their problems being on hold for the night so that they could just relax. Sometimes I wish that the world could stop like that, like a picture, frozen inside of a frame. So that everyone could just take a step back and breathe. Do you ever feel like you just cant get a break? I feel that way sometimes. But mostly I feel that way for my loved ones. Everyone deserves a break and by that I mean one day where they don't have to bust their ass to make things happen, where they can just live and let live. I believe that everyone needs that day. I wish that there was a day out of the week named break, that came before Monday but after Sunday. Most of the time we try to make Sunday that day, but in reality it usually doesn't work like that. Because Sunday is the day that you have to worry about going to work tomorrow, Sunday is the day that you have to get everything that you planned on getting done over the weekend but didn't have time to get to. I don't know what I would do without my husband here to remind me that all the problems of the world cannot be solved by a single person (me) or in a single day (today). I need him to tell me to take things one. day. at. a. time. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function. Music is my primary release and therapy. If I dont have the time, or if I go but 4 days without picking up my guitar because of the rush of life, I start to feel down. As if the music heals me and feeds my soul. Its really amazing because my husband starts to notice this happening and he tells me "babe, you need to Jam." and thats that, I never argue because its always true. There will never be a day where I say that I dont need to jam. Its just what I do. That is my definition of passion.

Lately I have been finding it a little on the harder side to get to sleep at night. I feel as though I cannot emotionally get through one thing before another thing arises. I still think about Jakey every day. I think about how unfair it is that he was killed. I used to think that when someone passes that it was just their time to go. This time I feel like it wasnt his time. He was 21 years old. I feel as though he was taken from us. Or that it wasnt his time but there was some sort of mistake in "the system" some days are better than others but at the bottom of my heart its always there. That little empty space that makes me deeply sad if I take five minutes to think about it. Those emotions lead me to other emotions of emptyness because I dont have my family near me. When something like this happens I just want to round up everyone I love and have ever loved and keep them close to me and grab them all up into my arms and squeeze all at once and never let go. I particularly miss my baby brother. He is my best friend. My husband is my best friend but in an entirely different way. My brother is only 13 months younger than me. He has been my best friend through thick and thin my entire life and when he isnt within 5 miles from me I feel a part of me is missing. Same goes for my mom, she is my rock. When I dont have her near me I not only feel a sense of emptiness but I also feel like I am not as smart when shes not around haha..... like she makes me more intelligent simply because she is so wise and literally knows something about everything, and those somethings are always right. Then there are the little things that build up, the things that you didnt even know affected your life until that one teenie tiny small thing becomes the icing on the cake, or the "last straw" to your breaking point. That feeling where you are so completely overwhelmed that you just sit and have a cry. Sometimes when I hear a child screaming and crying their little eyes out because they are just soooo beyond tired that they cant even sleep, I think to myself, that is how I feel too. I feel like I just want to scream and cry and have someone hold me to make it all better. That is how I felt when my husband held me in his arms. I felt an instant release of stress just hearing his heart beat inside of his chest as I pressed my head against it. I love children so very much. Their innocence is priceless and it is such a gift. I miss working at the daycare in Eugene. For 2 years I was scheduled to work during nap time every day. There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING more relaxing than seeing 10 little toddlers sleeping on their cots, snuggled up in their blankies. Snoring and dreaming innocent dreams. Sucking their thumbs or laying on their tummies fast asleep. I got to rock them to sleep and that was one of my favorite things to do, I looked forward to that every day because a child has to trust you in order to fall asleep in your arms. It was amazing to have the opportunity to build relationships with these children to the point where they loved and trusted me enough to rock them to sleep and sing them a song. My favorite song to sing to them is called "Godspeed" by the dixie chicks. Gosh I miss them..... The reason I was thinking of them is because when I cant sleep at night the trick that works like a charm every single time is, I close my eyes, snuggle up in my blankets and imagine 10 little babies sleeping safe and sound after I rocked each one to sleep. Just talking about it makes my eyelids heavy. I know those children were to young to ever remember me, but I will never forget them and I feel lucky to have contributed to their little lives every day while their mommies and daddies worked and went to school.

Overall my feelings lately have been all over the place. I had a very long weekend, and it didnt have to be as difficult as it ended up being but now that its over my husband and I feel as though we made a difference in the world and we feel that will come back to us through karma and good energy in the universe ten fold. Blogging is so very therapeutic at times like these where everything just seems like one big pile of emotions. Just taking everything one day at a time.

As far as music goes, We are doing VERY well in the contest to open at the Lilith Fair in Portland already! We are number 3 on the charts! I say we because it is not just me who is in this contest, everyone who votes for me and everyone who supports my music is equally a part of this because I could not do it without my friends, family, and dedicated fans. Despite everything that is going on in my personal life, I try to make sure it doesn't interfere with my music and my fans. If it does interfere it will be through another song that I will write :) There is a story behind every song and an emotion behind every lyric. Wow I just thought of that myself and I like it alot, I might just make that into a song itself.

Okay its approx 2:15 am and now that I have therapeutically released my emotions and thoughts through blogging, its off to bed where I will stop the world and only think of 10 of my babies sleeping soundly snuggled in blankies.

Until next time........