Monday, May 3, 2010

Sleeping Babies

Tonight I am feeling restless. My big 21 is only 3 short days away. This year has gone by so fast and lately I just cant seem to keep my mind from racing a million miles an hour. Last night I was sitting on my living room floor and not five minutes later I found myself in tears. It felt like a ton of bricks just hit me because I sat and thought for five minutes about everything that was on my mind. I thought about everything at once and bam there I was feeling emotions that I had been speeding by day after day. My husband took me into his arms while my mind was still racing. I was panicking because I felt as though I needed to solve every problem all at once, right then, right there from where I sat on the living room floor. When I say I was thinking about solving everything I meant EVERYTHING. My husband held me for a little while and let me get my cry out. As my mind raced and my thoughts piled up I couldn't even think straight and he said one word "Stop". It was like a snap of his fingers and the world stopped spinning, there were no problems, there was no debt, or death, or sadness, or anything. There was nothing. He said "stop thinking, stop talking, just let there be us" I pictured the earth literally stop spinning, I pictured everyone and their problems being on hold for the night so that they could just relax. Sometimes I wish that the world could stop like that, like a picture, frozen inside of a frame. So that everyone could just take a step back and breathe. Do you ever feel like you just cant get a break? I feel that way sometimes. But mostly I feel that way for my loved ones. Everyone deserves a break and by that I mean one day where they don't have to bust their ass to make things happen, where they can just live and let live. I believe that everyone needs that day. I wish that there was a day out of the week named break, that came before Monday but after Sunday. Most of the time we try to make Sunday that day, but in reality it usually doesn't work like that. Because Sunday is the day that you have to worry about going to work tomorrow, Sunday is the day that you have to get everything that you planned on getting done over the weekend but didn't have time to get to. I don't know what I would do without my husband here to remind me that all the problems of the world cannot be solved by a single person (me) or in a single day (today). I need him to tell me to take things one. day. at. a. time. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to function. Music is my primary release and therapy. If I dont have the time, or if I go but 4 days without picking up my guitar because of the rush of life, I start to feel down. As if the music heals me and feeds my soul. Its really amazing because my husband starts to notice this happening and he tells me "babe, you need to Jam." and thats that, I never argue because its always true. There will never be a day where I say that I dont need to jam. Its just what I do. That is my definition of passion.

Lately I have been finding it a little on the harder side to get to sleep at night. I feel as though I cannot emotionally get through one thing before another thing arises. I still think about Jakey every day. I think about how unfair it is that he was killed. I used to think that when someone passes that it was just their time to go. This time I feel like it wasnt his time. He was 21 years old. I feel as though he was taken from us. Or that it wasnt his time but there was some sort of mistake in "the system" some days are better than others but at the bottom of my heart its always there. That little empty space that makes me deeply sad if I take five minutes to think about it. Those emotions lead me to other emotions of emptyness because I dont have my family near me. When something like this happens I just want to round up everyone I love and have ever loved and keep them close to me and grab them all up into my arms and squeeze all at once and never let go. I particularly miss my baby brother. He is my best friend. My husband is my best friend but in an entirely different way. My brother is only 13 months younger than me. He has been my best friend through thick and thin my entire life and when he isnt within 5 miles from me I feel a part of me is missing. Same goes for my mom, she is my rock. When I dont have her near me I not only feel a sense of emptiness but I also feel like I am not as smart when shes not around haha..... like she makes me more intelligent simply because she is so wise and literally knows something about everything, and those somethings are always right. Then there are the little things that build up, the things that you didnt even know affected your life until that one teenie tiny small thing becomes the icing on the cake, or the "last straw" to your breaking point. That feeling where you are so completely overwhelmed that you just sit and have a cry. Sometimes when I hear a child screaming and crying their little eyes out because they are just soooo beyond tired that they cant even sleep, I think to myself, that is how I feel too. I feel like I just want to scream and cry and have someone hold me to make it all better. That is how I felt when my husband held me in his arms. I felt an instant release of stress just hearing his heart beat inside of his chest as I pressed my head against it. I love children so very much. Their innocence is priceless and it is such a gift. I miss working at the daycare in Eugene. For 2 years I was scheduled to work during nap time every day. There is NOTHING and I mean NOTHING more relaxing than seeing 10 little toddlers sleeping on their cots, snuggled up in their blankies. Snoring and dreaming innocent dreams. Sucking their thumbs or laying on their tummies fast asleep. I got to rock them to sleep and that was one of my favorite things to do, I looked forward to that every day because a child has to trust you in order to fall asleep in your arms. It was amazing to have the opportunity to build relationships with these children to the point where they loved and trusted me enough to rock them to sleep and sing them a song. My favorite song to sing to them is called "Godspeed" by the dixie chicks. Gosh I miss them..... The reason I was thinking of them is because when I cant sleep at night the trick that works like a charm every single time is, I close my eyes, snuggle up in my blankets and imagine 10 little babies sleeping safe and sound after I rocked each one to sleep. Just talking about it makes my eyelids heavy. I know those children were to young to ever remember me, but I will never forget them and I feel lucky to have contributed to their little lives every day while their mommies and daddies worked and went to school.

Overall my feelings lately have been all over the place. I had a very long weekend, and it didnt have to be as difficult as it ended up being but now that its over my husband and I feel as though we made a difference in the world and we feel that will come back to us through karma and good energy in the universe ten fold. Blogging is so very therapeutic at times like these where everything just seems like one big pile of emotions. Just taking everything one day at a time.

As far as music goes, We are doing VERY well in the contest to open at the Lilith Fair in Portland already! We are number 3 on the charts! I say we because it is not just me who is in this contest, everyone who votes for me and everyone who supports my music is equally a part of this because I could not do it without my friends, family, and dedicated fans. Despite everything that is going on in my personal life, I try to make sure it doesn't interfere with my music and my fans. If it does interfere it will be through another song that I will write :) There is a story behind every song and an emotion behind every lyric. Wow I just thought of that myself and I like it alot, I might just make that into a song itself.

Okay its approx 2:15 am and now that I have therapeutically released my emotions and thoughts through blogging, its off to bed where I will stop the world and only think of 10 of my babies sleeping soundly snuggled in blankies.

Until next time........

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